I'm A Person...

This post, has been fueled by alot of anger and frustration. Sometimes, I think people need to be reminded that I'm a fucking human being too.  I have gone back and forth on whether I should post this or not, but I feel it's something that is not spoken about enough! So here it goes....

Over the past few weeks, a lot of things have happened. Most notable, I was 'touched up' while on a night out. I wasn't that drunk, and knew that I didn't want him near me. To most, this is classed as assault, to others 'well, you did go out with a low cut dress on'. Oh, well that's ok then! Sorry, didn't realize that means it's perfectly ok for someone, who by the way, was way to forceful for my liking, to come up, try and force a kiss on me and to touch me. BUT it's not. It's not ok. I'm a person too. I have feelings, emotions and a beating heart, just like anyone else in this world.

To add to this, someone I have been talking to for a while, asked about what happened, I explained and they acted sympathetic. Right before asking for a 'sexting facetime' (something which I have never ever done before!). By this point, I just started crying. Is that how people viewed me. Just as a sexual object? Did feelings not matter to anyone? I was deeply scared, hurt and disgusted with what had happened just hours before, and here he was, trying to get 'sexual'. No, all I needed at this point in time was support. And that was not helping. When I didn't respond, he sent me a hurtful message.

My emotions at this point, are all over the place. After being well and truly mugged off just weeks earlier, I have had enough.  Let's just clear a few things up.

- Because A girl wears a low cut top/short skirt, she is NOT 'parading herself/asking for it' or whatever. This is victim blaming at it's finest. 

- I'm a nice person. I wouldn't ever hurt someone on purpose, is it too much to ask for the same in return?!

- Most importantly, I am NOT your sexual object. I am a fucking person.

I know this post has been a bit of a rant, but I needed to get a few things off my chest. What happened to me, was scary, even if to some seems so little and petty. I'm just thankful I was aware of what was going on around me. Other girls might not have been.

In the process of all this, I have deleted all my dating apps. I needed time to focus on myself and to process what is going on in my life. So far, so good!

Cheated - Part 1

Most people close to me know about Mr X's infidelity. But, I've never spoken in depth about it, how I found out, how I reacted, how it really made me feel, and worse still, how it still affects me today.  The post turned out rather long, so I'm going to split it into parts. 

Part 1 - Finding out. 

I still remember when I first had doubts. He had started to become distant, not as affectionate. I was doing my exams at the time, and one of my parents had just been told that they might have cancer. A whirlwind of emotions, I was attempting to try and decide what I needed to do with my life, the nervousness of the exams, and then to top that off, I was facing it all with the fear of losing someone who I loved with all my heart. I needed Mr X more than anything, but he wasn't there. He said it's because he had other things on his mind, I was being silly and that everything was fine. Doesn't really help though does it? 

Fast forward a year, said parent got the all clear, I did my exams and had just got my new job, leading me to the career path I took. Me and Mr X had just got our own place together, and things were perfect. But, these doubts, they were still there. I had seen a few messages from girls on his phone, but he said they were 'just old friends' and blinded by how much I loved him, I believed him. 

One Sunday afternoon, I've sat down at my laptop, ready to blog, and I decided to check my emails. There was one that stood out, the subject being  'Mr X' (Obviously his real name). Curious, I opened it, and started to read;

"Hi. This is the hardest thing I've written, and I've been unsure if I should send this or not. But my friends told me, that if it was them, they'd want to know. So here it goes" 

I got a familiar sinking feeling as I continued to read.

"I've been having an affair with your boyfriend for the past year" 

And with that, tears were already falling down my face. She went on to explain how he had set up a fake name account on Plenty Of Fish, and he had originally told her we had split as he was deeply unhappy and I was 'Unavaible for his needs'. (Go suck a lemon Mr X). She was able to tell me details, describe the inside od our home, the little details, tell me all about our cat, the books on the shelf. It was spooky. He then eventually admitted to her we were still together, but he was still unhappy. And he just didn't know how to end it. My heart at this point, was shattered. She sent me pictures of the messages between them, pictures of them together etc, I felt physically sick. 

I went and stayed with my parents for a few days, he was working nights, so this wasnt unusual. And I confided in a few friends, who told me to confront him. So I did exactly that. I wanted to be cool, calm and collected. He knew something was up, as he made every excuse for us not be alone, be it going to his parents for dinner, then 'just having to pop' to his brothers. I just wanted it over with. I had every intention of walking away, and never coming back. 

Once alone, we sat down. He tried to hug me, I pulled away. "Who's Claudia*" I asked through my tears. Cool, calm, collected I was not. He just shrugged. Denying knowing her. I couldn't hold in the tears. "Yes you do!" I sobbed. After a moments silence, he admitted to knowing her, but not how she had said it. He admitted to talking to her, as she gave him the attention I hadn't been, you know when a close family member was really poorly?! Poor wee thing he was. 

I cried, he cried, my heart was in pieces. He denied ever actually sleeping with her, even now we've split, he still denys it. But I have the proof, so why did I take him back!? He said he was sorry, but looking back I didn't, but I was so 'weak' I just didn't want to lose him. 

Somehow, I managed to let him talk me round. Stupid, stupid girl. I look back now, I should have walked away, because by staying, and holding on, I did more damage than good. 

Part 2 coming soon. 

Newly Single? Top Tips For Getting Back Into Dating

Breaking up is a heartbreaking and soul destroying thing. The crying, the loss, the grief and the ever growing feeling that you’re never going to find anyone else!

Whilest, I don’t recommend getting ‘straight’ back on the dating train, it can be a way to heal. It took me a month or so to join Tinder, which for some isn’t long, and for others, it’s a lifetime! 

Below are some of the top tips I wish I’d been given when starting out again, and hope that these can help you lovely newly Single Ladies out there!

1.   Do it when you’re ready! The most important thing I could say to you. Like I said above, it took me one month to actually join Tinder etc, and for me, this still felt too soon. Do not be pressured, but at the same time, although daunting, you will know when you’re ready! 

2.    Get rid of every single trace of the ex. I’ve seen this far too often, photos of the Ex still lingering on social media. Profile pictures etc. To be able to truly move on and get back into the dating game, it really does need to be over. And you also need to know that in your heart. So that teddy he gave you? Throw it out. This is a chance to really cut all ties and move on.

3.    Chose some nice photos. Don’t have any ones you like? Take some! I found this great fun. I invited a few girlfriends over, we had a few drinks, make-overs and took some lovely photos for my profile. It’s a great confidence boost too! But another thing to avoid – too many selfies, I always try to include a few ‘action’ shots too. 

4.    Whilst on the subject of photos, another word of advice would be to not include a picture of yourself with your ex cropped out of it in your profile. It is a much better idea to find a pleasant picture of yourself solo, enjoying yourself!

5.    Consider what you display on your profile carefully. Of course, give little details away, maybe a quote you live by etc. But certainly avoid all talk of the Ex! 

6.    Don’t compare everyone to your ex. He’s your ex for a reason! Remember that!

7.    Don’t rush things. It is best to take things in stages, for example on tinder, maybe have fun swiping, matching, talking, then eventually exchange numbers and then when you both feel happy, then arrange a date. But only do this, if you feel 100% happy and safe doing this. 

8.    And finally, don’t put to much pressure on yourself. I found myself doing this, and you can end up doing more damage than good. After finding out Mr X had already started seeing someone else, I felt ashamed that I hadn’t, so forced myself onto dates, that I was just not ready to go on. Be gentle to yourself, and in time, the right person will come into your life! 

Update #1

I've decided that every now and again, I'm going to do a bit of a 'life update' post, just to sort of catch you guys up on what's been going on and on any new developments in my life!

So, on the dating front, I'm still single and still searching, and failing. I had been seeing someone, who I have been on a total of 4 dates on, and truthfully? I don't feel it. I'm not attracted to him, and although looks aren't everything, I just know that he's not the one for me. Which is a shame, as he is such a lovely person, and we got along really well. But, alas, was not meant to be! 

Tinder has not been my friend recently. In fact, I've been toying with the idea of deleting it. I have been under the weather recently, so maybe it's that, but I just can't seem to find anyone decent anymore. This time last year, I was spoilt for choice (Mr Accountant, Mr London, Mr K etc) and now? Well, all there seems to be is guys interested in one night stands and 'fuck buddies'. Not for me! I've got to the point where I am now looking for a boyfriend. I've done single, I've had my fun, now, I just want to find the one.

Someone has also made a reappearance into my life recently. Mr London. Who has now split with Ms London. We are briefly talking, but nothing more. I don't think it's going anywhere, so writing this one off now. But seeing him again, brought back all the feelings I had be before. I just wish I could go back to a year ago, knowing what I know now, and I'd change it all. 

So I guess that's where I'm at! Hopefully, someone comes along soon. It's been a while since I've been on  a date, and I'm not even sure I know how to date anymore. I feel like I'm starting from scratch all over again. It's a hopeless feeling.

'I Won't Mug You Off...'

Sigh. When will I learn? When will I stop being so trusting, willing and forgiving. All it ever does it get my heart hurt again.

Let me introduce Mr Squad. In the Army, and absolutely beautiful. We originally matched on Tinder, around 9 months ago. Just before I met Mr J. We instantly got on, and before long had exchanged numbers. We would chat often, snapchat, phone etc. But never actually met. And every now and again, he'd go cold on me. I'd move on, forget it, and continue my search. I then met Mr J, and put every other guy to the back of my mind. 

Fast forward to the last couple of months. Mr Squad, made an appearance again. We hadn't spoken for so long, and he sent me a random snapchat, that I replied too. We started messaging again. Then, like before, despite telling me he was 'here to stay' he went cold again. Fuck you. 

Like a bloody mug, when he messaged me this time round, I came running back. 'I really want to make something work', 'We've always got on so well' 'I want to be with you' etc messages came through. I, like a fool, fell for the whole 'I'm just scared' routine, as to why he kept going cold. "So let's give it a go, but I'm scared too' I replied. 'I don't want to be mugged off' 'I'll never mug you off'. So bare these comments in mind.

 We arranged to meet up whilst we were both on a night out. And truthfully? I wish I hadn't bothered. He was disinterested, was 'grinding' other girls, flirting with them in front of me, and I just stood there like a lemon. Maybe I wasn't what he thought I'd be. Who knows. 

I had to leave early, so I said my goodbye, and left. He didn't seem that bothered. But I did get a goodnight text after I'd left. I smiled. Maybe things were finally going somewhere.

Next day, casually texting and hes telling me about the night before. "Yeah, ended up coming back with some girl" "I never leave a club alone". Right. So casual in the way he said it."It's fine, I wont judge you" I said in return as a joke! All I wanted to know was, where did I stand? Was it too much to ask?! Clearly, as he never replied. Just ignored the message. 

So Mr Squad, if you ever read this, you're exactly the reason I still struggle to trust people. No, you didn't cheat on me, but you broke a promise. And that promise was the only thing giving me hope. I wish you all the best in the future, as I'm not a bitter person, but just know, you'll never meet someone as loyal and as loving as me. 

And as for me? Well I'm tindering on....

Open Letter....Letter To Mr X

Dear Mr X,

I decided to write this, (it's taken me a good 5 days to write this) because it's the only way I truly know how to express just how I feel. You always said communication wasn't a strong point of mine, and maybe you were right, but now, that's all changed. 

I don't really know where to start, maybe I'll start with how, you've destroyed me. In more ways than one, you took away my confidence in not only myself, but in people, love and relationships. If only I knew how much it was going to take for me to trust someone again (I'm still not 100% there). You have plagued all future relationships, and as much as I try to not let it affect me still, obviously, it still does. 

When you cheated, I tried to think of why you could do that to me? And you, well you just brushed it off, like it was nothing. Is that all I meant to you? 5 years, I gave you nothing but my love, faith and loyalty and you threw it all away. And for what? A quick 'shag'.

I do, however, want you to know, that there is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about you. Rightly, or wrongly, the good or bad. Deep down, I wish things had ended better than what they did, but I can't change that and neither can you. The way it ended, I still feel the need to say sorry. But then I stop, and I think, 'Why? Why am I sorry?'. It was you who sent the text, you who'd cheated multiple times, you who wanted to play games? Me? I just wanted to know there I stood, and to be able to move on. But the way you told people I had broken YOUR heart. Well,I'm sorry if you felt that way. But mine? Mine wasn't important was it? It was just shattered, that's all. No big deal. I'm sorry if you feel I hurt you. But you hurt me. You emotionally abused me, till the point I cracked. And that...that's not right. 

I really wish you knew just how much I had loved you, and would have done anything to prove it. But looking back, I did give my everything, and you didn't. My everything was never going to be enough for you, and now I see that.

The thing I really hate, is the fact I can't hate you. Try as I might, and trust me, I've tried, I just can't. Because without you doing what you've done, I wouldn't be where I am now. And where am I now? I'm a bloody strong, independent woman, and when I was with you, I just wasn't. 

I hear you have a new girlfriend now. I honestly hope she's everything you want in life. And I hope you can give her everything you couldn't give me. 

So...I guess I'll dedicate this song to you...and I truly hope you do treat her better.

Open Letter....Dear Mr What If....

Dear Mr What If,

I hate you, I hate you for the way you've made me feel. I let myself believe that you might of actually cared for me. But how fu*cking stupid was I?! I can't even begin to explain why I feel the way I do. How I ever let you get into my head and under my skin. I'm a fool.

I was building myself back up, I was happy, content, I had a purpose in life again. Then I met you, and I thought all my dreams had come true. But keeping to true male form, you destroyed me all over again. I, once again, had allowed a man to take away everything from me. Every part of me, shattered. Gone again, my confidence, trust, and to top it off, I now feel disgusted to have helped someone cheat on there partner. 

You were playing with fire, and you loved the chase. One day, I hope you're caught out. I hope to god, someone makes you feel the way you've made the women in your life feel. You're nothing more than a fu*k boy. I know now, that I deserve better, and I deserve more than to be a 'side chick'. 

I won't lie, I loved you. And not the puppy dog type love. I mean, true love, heart aching, butterfly, makes you feel sick love. When even the mention of your name gave me flutter and a smile. And just like men before you, you took that away. You made me feel like such a wonderful person. But you were turning me into a monster. A person, I wasn't even sure I could live with anymore. I feel dirty, used and abused. I was nothing to you, and I know that now. 

The most hurtful insult, out of everything that happened, was how you made it out to all be me. How you told people nothing ever happened, and how I was 'obsessed' and 'in love with you'. Yes. Yes I was in love with you, and you bloody well knew it. And stupid me, believed you when you told me you cared for me, wanted me, but deep down, it was lies.  

Rereading old texts, brings back all the memories. And it hurts, because now? I find it hard to believe you meant anything you said. I'll move on, hell I already have, but deep down, I guess I'll never know how you really felt. But I feel played. And fair play to you, you played me well. 

For now, I'm building on myself. And watching from the sidelines as you fade away, and never in a million years would I think I would be happy to never see you again. But here I am.

Enjoy your life Mr What If, because I'm certainly going to enjoy mine.

All my love,
Em.