'I Won't Mug You Off...'

Sigh. When will I learn? When will I stop being so trusting, willing and forgiving. All it ever does it get my heart hurt again.

Let me introduce Mr Squad. In the Army, and absolutely beautiful. We originally matched on Tinder, around 9 months ago. Just before I met Mr J. We instantly got on, and before long had exchanged numbers. We would chat often, snapchat, phone etc. But never actually met. And every now and again, he'd go cold on me. I'd move on, forget it, and continue my search. I then met Mr J, and put every other guy to the back of my mind. 

Fast forward to the last couple of months. Mr Squad, made an appearance again. We hadn't spoken for so long, and he sent me a random snapchat, that I replied too. We started messaging again. Then, like before, despite telling me he was 'here to stay' he went cold again. Fuck you. 

Like a bloody mug, when he messaged me this time round, I came running back. 'I really want to make something work', 'We've always got on so well' 'I want to be with you' etc messages came through. I, like a fool, fell for the whole 'I'm just scared' routine, as to why he kept going cold. "So let's give it a go, but I'm scared too' I replied. 'I don't want to be mugged off' 'I'll never mug you off'. So bare these comments in mind.

 We arranged to meet up whilst we were both on a night out. And truthfully? I wish I hadn't bothered. He was disinterested, was 'grinding' other girls, flirting with them in front of me, and I just stood there like a lemon. Maybe I wasn't what he thought I'd be. Who knows. 

I had to leave early, so I said my goodbye, and left. He didn't seem that bothered. But I did get a goodnight text after I'd left. I smiled. Maybe things were finally going somewhere.

Next day, casually texting and hes telling me about the night before. "Yeah, ended up coming back with some girl" "I never leave a club alone". Right. So casual in the way he said it."It's fine, I wont judge you" I said in return as a joke! All I wanted to know was, where did I stand? Was it too much to ask?! Clearly, as he never replied. Just ignored the message. 

So Mr Squad, if you ever read this, you're exactly the reason I still struggle to trust people. No, you didn't cheat on me, but you broke a promise. And that promise was the only thing giving me hope. I wish you all the best in the future, as I'm not a bitter person, but just know, you'll never meet someone as loyal and as loving as me. 

And as for me? Well I'm tindering on....

Open Letter....Letter To Mr X

Dear Mr X,

I decided to write this, (it's taken me a good 5 days to write this) because it's the only way I truly know how to express just how I feel. You always said communication wasn't a strong point of mine, and maybe you were right, but now, that's all changed. 

I don't really know where to start, maybe I'll start with how, you've destroyed me. In more ways than one, you took away my confidence in not only myself, but in people, love and relationships. If only I knew how much it was going to take for me to trust someone again (I'm still not 100% there). You have plagued all future relationships, and as much as I try to not let it affect me still, obviously, it still does. 

When you cheated, I tried to think of why you could do that to me? And you, well you just brushed it off, like it was nothing. Is that all I meant to you? 5 years, I gave you nothing but my love, faith and loyalty and you threw it all away. And for what? A quick 'shag'.

I do, however, want you to know, that there is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about you. Rightly, or wrongly, the good or bad. Deep down, I wish things had ended better than what they did, but I can't change that and neither can you. The way it ended, I still feel the need to say sorry. But then I stop, and I think, 'Why? Why am I sorry?'. It was you who sent the text, you who'd cheated multiple times, you who wanted to play games? Me? I just wanted to know there I stood, and to be able to move on. But the way you told people I had broken YOUR heart. Well,I'm sorry if you felt that way. But mine? Mine wasn't important was it? It was just shattered, that's all. No big deal. I'm sorry if you feel I hurt you. But you hurt me. You emotionally abused me, till the point I cracked. And that...that's not right. 

I really wish you knew just how much I had loved you, and would have done anything to prove it. But looking back, I did give my everything, and you didn't. My everything was never going to be enough for you, and now I see that.

The thing I really hate, is the fact I can't hate you. Try as I might, and trust me, I've tried, I just can't. Because without you doing what you've done, I wouldn't be where I am now. And where am I now? I'm a bloody strong, independent woman, and when I was with you, I just wasn't. 

I hear you have a new girlfriend now. I honestly hope she's everything you want in life. And I hope you can give her everything you couldn't give me. 

So...I guess I'll dedicate this song to you...and I truly hope you do treat her better.

Open Letter....Dear Mr What If....

Dear Mr What If,

I hate you, I hate you for the way you've made me feel. I let myself believe that you might of actually cared for me. But how fu*cking stupid was I?! I can't even begin to explain why I feel the way I do. How I ever let you get into my head and under my skin. I'm a fool.

I was building myself back up, I was happy, content, I had a purpose in life again. Then I met you, and I thought all my dreams had come true. But keeping to true male form, you destroyed me all over again. I, once again, had allowed a man to take away everything from me. Every part of me, shattered. Gone again, my confidence, trust, and to top it off, I now feel disgusted to have helped someone cheat on there partner. 

You were playing with fire, and you loved the chase. One day, I hope you're caught out. I hope to god, someone makes you feel the way you've made the women in your life feel. You're nothing more than a fu*k boy. I know now, that I deserve better, and I deserve more than to be a 'side chick'. 

I won't lie, I loved you. And not the puppy dog type love. I mean, true love, heart aching, butterfly, makes you feel sick love. When even the mention of your name gave me flutter and a smile. And just like men before you, you took that away. You made me feel like such a wonderful person. But you were turning me into a monster. A person, I wasn't even sure I could live with anymore. I feel dirty, used and abused. I was nothing to you, and I know that now. 

The most hurtful insult, out of everything that happened, was how you made it out to all be me. How you told people nothing ever happened, and how I was 'obsessed' and 'in love with you'. Yes. Yes I was in love with you, and you bloody well knew it. And stupid me, believed you when you told me you cared for me, wanted me, but deep down, it was lies.  

Rereading old texts, brings back all the memories. And it hurts, because now? I find it hard to believe you meant anything you said. I'll move on, hell I already have, but deep down, I guess I'll never know how you really felt. But I feel played. And fair play to you, you played me well. 

For now, I'm building on myself. And watching from the sidelines as you fade away, and never in a million years would I think I would be happy to never see you again. But here I am.

Enjoy your life Mr What If, because I'm certainly going to enjoy mine.

All my love,
Em.

Date Night - London Boy Part 2

Date Night - The London Boy Part 1

The Guy: 20 year old London Boy. The one that got away.
The venue: His PlaceLooks Rating: 8/10Personality Rating: 8/10Overall: 9/10

Writing this one actually hurts a little. I'd never dated anyone younger before, always older. So this again, was something totally new to me. At this point, I wasn't looking for serious, and he told me he wasn't either. That's fine, we'll hang out, see what happens.

Like most of my dates, we'd met on Tinder. We had a few mutual friends, one of them being a family member he knew of mine. This made a great ice breaker. We exchanged messages for a couple of weeks, when one day on a lovely August day, when asked if I was doing anything
"Nope, totally bored" I replied. 
"Why not come over?" was the reply. All my family had gone out for the day, so I thought sod it, why not. I did something I have never, ever done before, and I went to meet him at his house. (I did talk to said family member, and cleared that he wasn't crazy or anything! And also checked in with my mum with a quick text while he was preoccupied. STAY SAFE PEOPLE!). As he opened the door, my breath was literally taken away! He. was. gorgeous. He smiled, and it literally made me melt. Was not expecting that. 

He welcomed me in, we sat on the sofa, chatted, had a drink (non-alcoholic of course) and got to know each other. I was so relaxed, it was so natural. Nothing felt forced and it all just flowed. It was lovely outside, so he suggested taking his dog for a walk. Sure. Why not?! Bad idea. I hadn't taken my hayfever tablets and my eyes were streaming. Team that with liquid eyeliner, cue pander eyes! I kept trying to hide them from him and he found this hilarious. 
"You look beautiful" he laughed. He was actually so sweet! 

After a long hour walk, we went back to his, and decided to put a film on. A scary one obviously! We cuddled up while watching the film. And then we kissed. Nothing happened other than a kiss, but that was enough for the time being. I'd arrived at around 2pm that afternoon, by the time I left it was gone 10. Time had flown. We hugged and kissed as I left. "That went well". 

My phone went off a mere 10 minutes after I left.

"I had a lovely time, can't wait to see you again! xx" I smiled as I read it. A 2nd date was on the cards then!

The What If Guy

In the latter part of the year last year, I met someone. Someone who, little did I know, would flip my world upside down all over again.

It was a night out, out with a few friends, and there friends. And there he was. I had met him once before. And I didn't really think much of it, after all, at the time I was still with Mr X. According to family and friends, the party in which we met, we exchanged a few flirty comments. I can 10 0% say I didn't notice. 

Anyway, as the night out progressed, we became close. And I mean close. A kiss, turned into more. And I instantly felt a connection. One that I couldn't explain. Something I'd never felt before and, truthfully, something I haven't felt since.

The weeks that followed were a total whirlwind. Late night phone calls, texting all day, heart to hearts and I just knew something was developing. I couldn't help it. I had feelings. Damn. 

I'd had such a rubbish time with men, I'd promised myself that I wouldn't fall for a 'charmer' again. Because that's what he was/is. A lying one at that. Because guess what...this 'charmer' had a secret. He had a girlfriend. Yep. And me...well I was already head over heels. Deep down, I know I should have just walked away. And in a certain respect I did. Nothing physical ever happened again, but we did continue to phone and text and see each other out and about. Truth is, I wanted to be around him, and secretly, maybe he did around me.

One day, I was sitting in town with a friend, and I poured it all out to her. The best think about my best friends - they don't mince or hold back the truth;

"He's your what if" 

My what? She then explained. Every person has the 'what if'. It's the guy (or girl) who you will always think about 'what if we had just given it a go'. And she was right. This is exactly what he was. As times gone on, I've tried to cut as much contact with him. As far as I know, he's now split with his girlfriend and is now seeing someone else. That's fine. Because, although I might still have feelings for him, they're not as strong as they were. And they're certainly not the same type of feelings. 

What If's can be the hardest type of guys (or girls) to get over. The fact that there was never really anything 'there' in the first place, makes it all that harder to process. How do you get over something that was never 'really there'. It's like trying to grieve for something, but it's never that simple. I still see him now and again, and each time, the feelings go more and more. I can't believe I got sucked into lies and deceit.

Have you ever had a what if guy? How would you suggest moving on from it? 

Date Night - The Accountant

The guy: 23 year old trainee accountant. Cheeky personality.

The venue: A Bar

Looks Rating: 6/10

Personality Rating: 7/10

Overall: 7/10

This date, was the first date I'd been on after my split. I was nervous as hell! We'd been talking for a while, and had met through the 'dreaded' dating app Tinder. 

I was a bit apprehensive about the date. I'd never really done this whole 'first date' thing, not really. With my Ex, we already knew each other and worked together. This...this was a whole other kettle of fish! Before the date, we'd been chatting non-stop, conversations just flowed, late night phone calls the lot. He seemed perfect...now we only just needed to meet. 

I arrived at the bar and spotted him immediately. He spotted me. He got up and my fears of it being awkward vanished. We hugged instantly. Hours passed and we chatted alot. Got to know each other, and the night ended up with a cheeky kiss. 

We met up once more after this, but we both knew things weren't really going anywhere, it became clear to me that I was not ready to move on yet. Although, I didn't gain a relationdship I'd imagined, I gained a friend. Which is you know....nice. 

But, as always, onwards and upwards!