The Past Year

After the break-up, I entered into the world again. A whole new world to me. It took me a while to even think about looking at another guy. One night, I discovered Mr X was texting old friends of mine, and I mean, alot of old friends, who of course, told me. I'd been drinking with a few friends, and was very drunk (I didn't really drink while with Mr X), and with encouragement, I signed upto Plenty Of Fish (POF) that same night. 

Setting up my profile, it felt wrong. Very wrong. Almost like I was cheating. But it wasn't cheating! How could it be, we were over, and he certainly wasn't hanging around. Within 20 minutes, I had received over 20 messages. Wow. After sifting through what I deemed to be the 'odd ones' (I.e looking for one thing), I started chatting to a few. But it still felt odd. Truth is, I didn't know how to be? Long term relationships are all I knew. I didn't know how to flirt. How to start talking to guys. I was so nervous about it all, that I actually felt sick.

This became even more apparent, when I went on my first proper night out with friends, a month or so after. I'd brought a new outfit etc, and had spent alot of time getting ready. I have to admit, putting a fresh new look on made me feel amazing, and for the first time in months, I felt myself. I felt human again. While dancing away with the girls, a guy approached me. Introduced himself to me, we will call him L. He started to dance with me, and talk away. I was shaking. My mates had walked away to 'leave me to it' and I hated it. I could almost feel a panic attack coming on. I tried to walk away, and called out for my mates. I just couldn't do this. I made my excuses and ran to the toilets. I looked at my phone, and to make matters worse. Mr X had text. Perfect timing, and in my yet again drunken state, I text back.

"I miss you"

"Why are we doing this!?"

"We can work it out" 

The next morning? Instant regret. I guess this was a turning point for me. I knew I loved him deeply, but did I want him back? Did I fuck.

As months passed, I went out more and more, reconnected with friends, made new friends and worked on myself. I was out one night, and managed to get a guys number. Result. Things fizzled out quickly, but I took the positives. Before long, I was persuaded to join the dreaded Tinder. I've been on a few 'Tinder' dates now, (will write about these another time) and the truth is, it's addictive! 

I've had a couple of 'dates' since the split, and I guess what I'm trying to say, is although the past year has been difficult, it's fair to say, it gets better. I'm now in the position where I'm 100% myself now, and know exactly what I want from a guy.