Most people close to me know about Mr X's infidelity. But, I've never spoken in depth about it, how I found out, how I reacted, how it really made me feel, and worse still, how it still affects me today. The post turned out rather long, so I'm going to split it into parts.
Part 1 - Finding out.
I still remember when I first had doubts. He had started to become distant, not as affectionate. I was doing my exams at the time, and one of my parents had just been told that they might have cancer. A whirlwind of emotions, I was attempting to try and decide what I needed to do with my life, the nervousness of the exams, and then to top that off, I was facing it all with the fear of losing someone who I loved with all my heart. I needed Mr X more than anything, but he wasn't there. He said it's because he had other things on his mind, I was being silly and that everything was fine. Doesn't really help though does it?
Fast forward a year, said parent got the all clear, I did my exams and had just got my new job, leading me to the career path I took. Me and Mr X had just got our own place together, and things were perfect. But, these doubts, they were still there. I had seen a few messages from girls on his phone, but he said they were 'just old friends' and blinded by how much I loved him, I believed him.
One Sunday afternoon, I've sat down at my laptop, ready to blog, and I decided to check my emails. There was one that stood out, the subject being 'Mr X' (Obviously his real name). Curious, I opened it, and started to read;
"Hi. This is the hardest thing I've written, and I've been unsure if I should send this or not. But my friends told me, that if it was them, they'd want to know. So here it goes"
I got a familiar sinking feeling as I continued to read.
"I've been having an affair with your boyfriend for the past year"
And with that, tears were already falling down my face. She went on to explain how he had set up a fake name account on Plenty Of Fish, and he had originally told her we had split as he was deeply unhappy and I was 'Unavaible for his needs'. (Go suck a lemon Mr X). She was able to tell me details, describe the inside od our home, the little details, tell me all about our cat, the books on the shelf. It was spooky. He then eventually admitted to her we were still together, but he was still unhappy. And he just didn't know how to end it. My heart at this point, was shattered. She sent me pictures of the messages between them, pictures of them together etc, I felt physically sick.
I went and stayed with my parents for a few days, he was working nights, so this wasnt unusual. And I confided in a few friends, who told me to confront him. So I did exactly that. I wanted to be cool, calm and collected. He knew something was up, as he made every excuse for us not be alone, be it going to his parents for dinner, then 'just having to pop' to his brothers. I just wanted it over with. I had every intention of walking away, and never coming back.
Once alone, we sat down. He tried to hug me, I pulled away. "Who's Claudia*" I asked through my tears. Cool, calm, collected I was not. He just shrugged. Denying knowing her. I couldn't hold in the tears. "Yes you do!" I sobbed. After a moments silence, he admitted to knowing her, but not how she had said it. He admitted to talking to her, as she gave him the attention I hadn't been, you know when a close family member was really poorly?! Poor wee thing he was.
I cried, he cried, my heart was in pieces. He denied ever actually sleeping with her, even now we've split, he still denys it. But I have the proof, so why did I take him back!? He said he was sorry, but looking back I didn't, but I was so 'weak' I just didn't want to lose him.
Somehow, I managed to let him talk me round. Stupid, stupid girl. I look back now, I should have walked away, because by staying, and holding on, I did more damage than good.
Part 2 coming soon.
