I'm A Person...

This post, has been fueled by alot of anger and frustration. Sometimes, I think people need to be reminded that I'm a fucking human being too.  I have gone back and forth on whether I should post this or not, but I feel it's something that is not spoken about enough! So here it goes....

Over the past few weeks, a lot of things have happened. Most notable, I was 'touched up' while on a night out. I wasn't that drunk, and knew that I didn't want him near me. To most, this is classed as assault, to others 'well, you did go out with a low cut dress on'. Oh, well that's ok then! Sorry, didn't realize that means it's perfectly ok for someone, who by the way, was way to forceful for my liking, to come up, try and force a kiss on me and to touch me. BUT it's not. It's not ok. I'm a person too. I have feelings, emotions and a beating heart, just like anyone else in this world.

To add to this, someone I have been talking to for a while, asked about what happened, I explained and they acted sympathetic. Right before asking for a 'sexting facetime' (something which I have never ever done before!). By this point, I just started crying. Is that how people viewed me. Just as a sexual object? Did feelings not matter to anyone? I was deeply scared, hurt and disgusted with what had happened just hours before, and here he was, trying to get 'sexual'. No, all I needed at this point in time was support. And that was not helping. When I didn't respond, he sent me a hurtful message.

My emotions at this point, are all over the place. After being well and truly mugged off just weeks earlier, I have had enough.  Let's just clear a few things up.

- Because A girl wears a low cut top/short skirt, she is NOT 'parading herself/asking for it' or whatever. This is victim blaming at it's finest. 

- I'm a nice person. I wouldn't ever hurt someone on purpose, is it too much to ask for the same in return?!

- Most importantly, I am NOT your sexual object. I am a fucking person.

I know this post has been a bit of a rant, but I needed to get a few things off my chest. What happened to me, was scary, even if to some seems so little and petty. I'm just thankful I was aware of what was going on around me. Other girls might not have been.

In the process of all this, I have deleted all my dating apps. I needed time to focus on myself and to process what is going on in my life. So far, so good!

Cheated - Part 1

Most people close to me know about Mr X's infidelity. But, I've never spoken in depth about it, how I found out, how I reacted, how it really made me feel, and worse still, how it still affects me today.  The post turned out rather long, so I'm going to split it into parts. 

Part 1 - Finding out. 

I still remember when I first had doubts. He had started to become distant, not as affectionate. I was doing my exams at the time, and one of my parents had just been told that they might have cancer. A whirlwind of emotions, I was attempting to try and decide what I needed to do with my life, the nervousness of the exams, and then to top that off, I was facing it all with the fear of losing someone who I loved with all my heart. I needed Mr X more than anything, but he wasn't there. He said it's because he had other things on his mind, I was being silly and that everything was fine. Doesn't really help though does it? 

Fast forward a year, said parent got the all clear, I did my exams and had just got my new job, leading me to the career path I took. Me and Mr X had just got our own place together, and things were perfect. But, these doubts, they were still there. I had seen a few messages from girls on his phone, but he said they were 'just old friends' and blinded by how much I loved him, I believed him. 

One Sunday afternoon, I've sat down at my laptop, ready to blog, and I decided to check my emails. There was one that stood out, the subject being  'Mr X' (Obviously his real name). Curious, I opened it, and started to read;

"Hi. This is the hardest thing I've written, and I've been unsure if I should send this or not. But my friends told me, that if it was them, they'd want to know. So here it goes" 

I got a familiar sinking feeling as I continued to read.

"I've been having an affair with your boyfriend for the past year" 

And with that, tears were already falling down my face. She went on to explain how he had set up a fake name account on Plenty Of Fish, and he had originally told her we had split as he was deeply unhappy and I was 'Unavaible for his needs'. (Go suck a lemon Mr X). She was able to tell me details, describe the inside od our home, the little details, tell me all about our cat, the books on the shelf. It was spooky. He then eventually admitted to her we were still together, but he was still unhappy. And he just didn't know how to end it. My heart at this point, was shattered. She sent me pictures of the messages between them, pictures of them together etc, I felt physically sick. 

I went and stayed with my parents for a few days, he was working nights, so this wasnt unusual. And I confided in a few friends, who told me to confront him. So I did exactly that. I wanted to be cool, calm and collected. He knew something was up, as he made every excuse for us not be alone, be it going to his parents for dinner, then 'just having to pop' to his brothers. I just wanted it over with. I had every intention of walking away, and never coming back. 

Once alone, we sat down. He tried to hug me, I pulled away. "Who's Claudia*" I asked through my tears. Cool, calm, collected I was not. He just shrugged. Denying knowing her. I couldn't hold in the tears. "Yes you do!" I sobbed. After a moments silence, he admitted to knowing her, but not how she had said it. He admitted to talking to her, as she gave him the attention I hadn't been, you know when a close family member was really poorly?! Poor wee thing he was. 

I cried, he cried, my heart was in pieces. He denied ever actually sleeping with her, even now we've split, he still denys it. But I have the proof, so why did I take him back!? He said he was sorry, but looking back I didn't, but I was so 'weak' I just didn't want to lose him. 

Somehow, I managed to let him talk me round. Stupid, stupid girl. I look back now, I should have walked away, because by staying, and holding on, I did more damage than good. 

Part 2 coming soon. 

Newly Single? Top Tips For Getting Back Into Dating

Breaking up is a heartbreaking and soul destroying thing. The crying, the loss, the grief and the ever growing feeling that you’re never going to find anyone else!

Whilest, I don’t recommend getting ‘straight’ back on the dating train, it can be a way to heal. It took me a month or so to join Tinder, which for some isn’t long, and for others, it’s a lifetime! 

Below are some of the top tips I wish I’d been given when starting out again, and hope that these can help you lovely newly Single Ladies out there!

1.   Do it when you’re ready! The most important thing I could say to you. Like I said above, it took me one month to actually join Tinder etc, and for me, this still felt too soon. Do not be pressured, but at the same time, although daunting, you will know when you’re ready! 

2.    Get rid of every single trace of the ex. I’ve seen this far too often, photos of the Ex still lingering on social media. Profile pictures etc. To be able to truly move on and get back into the dating game, it really does need to be over. And you also need to know that in your heart. So that teddy he gave you? Throw it out. This is a chance to really cut all ties and move on.

3.    Chose some nice photos. Don’t have any ones you like? Take some! I found this great fun. I invited a few girlfriends over, we had a few drinks, make-overs and took some lovely photos for my profile. It’s a great confidence boost too! But another thing to avoid – too many selfies, I always try to include a few ‘action’ shots too. 

4.    Whilst on the subject of photos, another word of advice would be to not include a picture of yourself with your ex cropped out of it in your profile. It is a much better idea to find a pleasant picture of yourself solo, enjoying yourself!

5.    Consider what you display on your profile carefully. Of course, give little details away, maybe a quote you live by etc. But certainly avoid all talk of the Ex! 

6.    Don’t compare everyone to your ex. He’s your ex for a reason! Remember that!

7.    Don’t rush things. It is best to take things in stages, for example on tinder, maybe have fun swiping, matching, talking, then eventually exchange numbers and then when you both feel happy, then arrange a date. But only do this, if you feel 100% happy and safe doing this. 

8.    And finally, don’t put to much pressure on yourself. I found myself doing this, and you can end up doing more damage than good. After finding out Mr X had already started seeing someone else, I felt ashamed that I hadn’t, so forced myself onto dates, that I was just not ready to go on. Be gentle to yourself, and in time, the right person will come into your life! 

Update #1

I've decided that every now and again, I'm going to do a bit of a 'life update' post, just to sort of catch you guys up on what's been going on and on any new developments in my life!

So, on the dating front, I'm still single and still searching, and failing. I had been seeing someone, who I have been on a total of 4 dates on, and truthfully? I don't feel it. I'm not attracted to him, and although looks aren't everything, I just know that he's not the one for me. Which is a shame, as he is such a lovely person, and we got along really well. But, alas, was not meant to be! 

Tinder has not been my friend recently. In fact, I've been toying with the idea of deleting it. I have been under the weather recently, so maybe it's that, but I just can't seem to find anyone decent anymore. This time last year, I was spoilt for choice (Mr Accountant, Mr London, Mr K etc) and now? Well, all there seems to be is guys interested in one night stands and 'fuck buddies'. Not for me! I've got to the point where I am now looking for a boyfriend. I've done single, I've had my fun, now, I just want to find the one.

Someone has also made a reappearance into my life recently. Mr London. Who has now split with Ms London. We are briefly talking, but nothing more. I don't think it's going anywhere, so writing this one off now. But seeing him again, brought back all the feelings I had be before. I just wish I could go back to a year ago, knowing what I know now, and I'd change it all. 

So I guess that's where I'm at! Hopefully, someone comes along soon. It's been a while since I've been on  a date, and I'm not even sure I know how to date anymore. I feel like I'm starting from scratch all over again. It's a hopeless feeling.

'I Won't Mug You Off...'

Sigh. When will I learn? When will I stop being so trusting, willing and forgiving. All it ever does it get my heart hurt again.

Let me introduce Mr Squad. In the Army, and absolutely beautiful. We originally matched on Tinder, around 9 months ago. Just before I met Mr J. We instantly got on, and before long had exchanged numbers. We would chat often, snapchat, phone etc. But never actually met. And every now and again, he'd go cold on me. I'd move on, forget it, and continue my search. I then met Mr J, and put every other guy to the back of my mind. 

Fast forward to the last couple of months. Mr Squad, made an appearance again. We hadn't spoken for so long, and he sent me a random snapchat, that I replied too. We started messaging again. Then, like before, despite telling me he was 'here to stay' he went cold again. Fuck you. 

Like a bloody mug, when he messaged me this time round, I came running back. 'I really want to make something work', 'We've always got on so well' 'I want to be with you' etc messages came through. I, like a fool, fell for the whole 'I'm just scared' routine, as to why he kept going cold. "So let's give it a go, but I'm scared too' I replied. 'I don't want to be mugged off' 'I'll never mug you off'. So bare these comments in mind.

 We arranged to meet up whilst we were both on a night out. And truthfully? I wish I hadn't bothered. He was disinterested, was 'grinding' other girls, flirting with them in front of me, and I just stood there like a lemon. Maybe I wasn't what he thought I'd be. Who knows. 

I had to leave early, so I said my goodbye, and left. He didn't seem that bothered. But I did get a goodnight text after I'd left. I smiled. Maybe things were finally going somewhere.

Next day, casually texting and hes telling me about the night before. "Yeah, ended up coming back with some girl" "I never leave a club alone". Right. So casual in the way he said it."It's fine, I wont judge you" I said in return as a joke! All I wanted to know was, where did I stand? Was it too much to ask?! Clearly, as he never replied. Just ignored the message. 

So Mr Squad, if you ever read this, you're exactly the reason I still struggle to trust people. No, you didn't cheat on me, but you broke a promise. And that promise was the only thing giving me hope. I wish you all the best in the future, as I'm not a bitter person, but just know, you'll never meet someone as loyal and as loving as me. 

And as for me? Well I'm tindering on....

Open Letter....Letter To Mr X

Dear Mr X,

I decided to write this, (it's taken me a good 5 days to write this) because it's the only way I truly know how to express just how I feel. You always said communication wasn't a strong point of mine, and maybe you were right, but now, that's all changed. 

I don't really know where to start, maybe I'll start with how, you've destroyed me. In more ways than one, you took away my confidence in not only myself, but in people, love and relationships. If only I knew how much it was going to take for me to trust someone again (I'm still not 100% there). You have plagued all future relationships, and as much as I try to not let it affect me still, obviously, it still does. 

When you cheated, I tried to think of why you could do that to me? And you, well you just brushed it off, like it was nothing. Is that all I meant to you? 5 years, I gave you nothing but my love, faith and loyalty and you threw it all away. And for what? A quick 'shag'.

I do, however, want you to know, that there is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about you. Rightly, or wrongly, the good or bad. Deep down, I wish things had ended better than what they did, but I can't change that and neither can you. The way it ended, I still feel the need to say sorry. But then I stop, and I think, 'Why? Why am I sorry?'. It was you who sent the text, you who'd cheated multiple times, you who wanted to play games? Me? I just wanted to know there I stood, and to be able to move on. But the way you told people I had broken YOUR heart. Well,I'm sorry if you felt that way. But mine? Mine wasn't important was it? It was just shattered, that's all. No big deal. I'm sorry if you feel I hurt you. But you hurt me. You emotionally abused me, till the point I cracked. And that...that's not right. 

I really wish you knew just how much I had loved you, and would have done anything to prove it. But looking back, I did give my everything, and you didn't. My everything was never going to be enough for you, and now I see that.

The thing I really hate, is the fact I can't hate you. Try as I might, and trust me, I've tried, I just can't. Because without you doing what you've done, I wouldn't be where I am now. And where am I now? I'm a bloody strong, independent woman, and when I was with you, I just wasn't. 

I hear you have a new girlfriend now. I honestly hope she's everything you want in life. And I hope you can give her everything you couldn't give me. 

So...I guess I'll dedicate this song to you...and I truly hope you do treat her better.

Open Letter....Dear Mr What If....

Dear Mr What If,

I hate you, I hate you for the way you've made me feel. I let myself believe that you might of actually cared for me. But how fu*cking stupid was I?! I can't even begin to explain why I feel the way I do. How I ever let you get into my head and under my skin. I'm a fool.

I was building myself back up, I was happy, content, I had a purpose in life again. Then I met you, and I thought all my dreams had come true. But keeping to true male form, you destroyed me all over again. I, once again, had allowed a man to take away everything from me. Every part of me, shattered. Gone again, my confidence, trust, and to top it off, I now feel disgusted to have helped someone cheat on there partner. 

You were playing with fire, and you loved the chase. One day, I hope you're caught out. I hope to god, someone makes you feel the way you've made the women in your life feel. You're nothing more than a fu*k boy. I know now, that I deserve better, and I deserve more than to be a 'side chick'. 

I won't lie, I loved you. And not the puppy dog type love. I mean, true love, heart aching, butterfly, makes you feel sick love. When even the mention of your name gave me flutter and a smile. And just like men before you, you took that away. You made me feel like such a wonderful person. But you were turning me into a monster. A person, I wasn't even sure I could live with anymore. I feel dirty, used and abused. I was nothing to you, and I know that now. 

The most hurtful insult, out of everything that happened, was how you made it out to all be me. How you told people nothing ever happened, and how I was 'obsessed' and 'in love with you'. Yes. Yes I was in love with you, and you bloody well knew it. And stupid me, believed you when you told me you cared for me, wanted me, but deep down, it was lies.  

Rereading old texts, brings back all the memories. And it hurts, because now? I find it hard to believe you meant anything you said. I'll move on, hell I already have, but deep down, I guess I'll never know how you really felt. But I feel played. And fair play to you, you played me well. 

For now, I'm building on myself. And watching from the sidelines as you fade away, and never in a million years would I think I would be happy to never see you again. But here I am.

Enjoy your life Mr What If, because I'm certainly going to enjoy mine.

All my love,
Em.

Date Night - London Boy Part 2

Date Night - The London Boy Part 1

The Guy: 20 year old London Boy. The one that got away.
The venue: His PlaceLooks Rating: 8/10Personality Rating: 8/10Overall: 9/10

Writing this one actually hurts a little. I'd never dated anyone younger before, always older. So this again, was something totally new to me. At this point, I wasn't looking for serious, and he told me he wasn't either. That's fine, we'll hang out, see what happens.

Like most of my dates, we'd met on Tinder. We had a few mutual friends, one of them being a family member he knew of mine. This made a great ice breaker. We exchanged messages for a couple of weeks, when one day on a lovely August day, when asked if I was doing anything
"Nope, totally bored" I replied. 
"Why not come over?" was the reply. All my family had gone out for the day, so I thought sod it, why not. I did something I have never, ever done before, and I went to meet him at his house. (I did talk to said family member, and cleared that he wasn't crazy or anything! And also checked in with my mum with a quick text while he was preoccupied. STAY SAFE PEOPLE!). As he opened the door, my breath was literally taken away! He. was. gorgeous. He smiled, and it literally made me melt. Was not expecting that. 

He welcomed me in, we sat on the sofa, chatted, had a drink (non-alcoholic of course) and got to know each other. I was so relaxed, it was so natural. Nothing felt forced and it all just flowed. It was lovely outside, so he suggested taking his dog for a walk. Sure. Why not?! Bad idea. I hadn't taken my hayfever tablets and my eyes were streaming. Team that with liquid eyeliner, cue pander eyes! I kept trying to hide them from him and he found this hilarious. 
"You look beautiful" he laughed. He was actually so sweet! 

After a long hour walk, we went back to his, and decided to put a film on. A scary one obviously! We cuddled up while watching the film. And then we kissed. Nothing happened other than a kiss, but that was enough for the time being. I'd arrived at around 2pm that afternoon, by the time I left it was gone 10. Time had flown. We hugged and kissed as I left. "That went well". 

My phone went off a mere 10 minutes after I left.

"I had a lovely time, can't wait to see you again! xx" I smiled as I read it. A 2nd date was on the cards then!

The What If Guy

In the latter part of the year last year, I met someone. Someone who, little did I know, would flip my world upside down all over again.

It was a night out, out with a few friends, and there friends. And there he was. I had met him once before. And I didn't really think much of it, after all, at the time I was still with Mr X. According to family and friends, the party in which we met, we exchanged a few flirty comments. I can 10 0% say I didn't notice. 

Anyway, as the night out progressed, we became close. And I mean close. A kiss, turned into more. And I instantly felt a connection. One that I couldn't explain. Something I'd never felt before and, truthfully, something I haven't felt since.

The weeks that followed were a total whirlwind. Late night phone calls, texting all day, heart to hearts and I just knew something was developing. I couldn't help it. I had feelings. Damn. 

I'd had such a rubbish time with men, I'd promised myself that I wouldn't fall for a 'charmer' again. Because that's what he was/is. A lying one at that. Because guess what...this 'charmer' had a secret. He had a girlfriend. Yep. And me...well I was already head over heels. Deep down, I know I should have just walked away. And in a certain respect I did. Nothing physical ever happened again, but we did continue to phone and text and see each other out and about. Truth is, I wanted to be around him, and secretly, maybe he did around me.

One day, I was sitting in town with a friend, and I poured it all out to her. The best think about my best friends - they don't mince or hold back the truth;

"He's your what if" 

My what? She then explained. Every person has the 'what if'. It's the guy (or girl) who you will always think about 'what if we had just given it a go'. And she was right. This is exactly what he was. As times gone on, I've tried to cut as much contact with him. As far as I know, he's now split with his girlfriend and is now seeing someone else. That's fine. Because, although I might still have feelings for him, they're not as strong as they were. And they're certainly not the same type of feelings. 

What If's can be the hardest type of guys (or girls) to get over. The fact that there was never really anything 'there' in the first place, makes it all that harder to process. How do you get over something that was never 'really there'. It's like trying to grieve for something, but it's never that simple. I still see him now and again, and each time, the feelings go more and more. I can't believe I got sucked into lies and deceit.

Have you ever had a what if guy? How would you suggest moving on from it? 

Date Night - The Accountant

The guy: 23 year old trainee accountant. Cheeky personality.

The venue: A Bar

Looks Rating: 6/10

Personality Rating: 7/10

Overall: 7/10

This date, was the first date I'd been on after my split. I was nervous as hell! We'd been talking for a while, and had met through the 'dreaded' dating app Tinder. 

I was a bit apprehensive about the date. I'd never really done this whole 'first date' thing, not really. With my Ex, we already knew each other and worked together. This...this was a whole other kettle of fish! Before the date, we'd been chatting non-stop, conversations just flowed, late night phone calls the lot. He seemed perfect...now we only just needed to meet. 

I arrived at the bar and spotted him immediately. He spotted me. He got up and my fears of it being awkward vanished. We hugged instantly. Hours passed and we chatted alot. Got to know each other, and the night ended up with a cheeky kiss. 

We met up once more after this, but we both knew things weren't really going anywhere, it became clear to me that I was not ready to move on yet. Although, I didn't gain a relationdship I'd imagined, I gained a friend. Which is you know....nice. 

But, as always, onwards and upwards! 

The Past Year

After the break-up, I entered into the world again. A whole new world to me. It took me a while to even think about looking at another guy. One night, I discovered Mr X was texting old friends of mine, and I mean, alot of old friends, who of course, told me. I'd been drinking with a few friends, and was very drunk (I didn't really drink while with Mr X), and with encouragement, I signed upto Plenty Of Fish (POF) that same night. 

Setting up my profile, it felt wrong. Very wrong. Almost like I was cheating. But it wasn't cheating! How could it be, we were over, and he certainly wasn't hanging around. Within 20 minutes, I had received over 20 messages. Wow. After sifting through what I deemed to be the 'odd ones' (I.e looking for one thing), I started chatting to a few. But it still felt odd. Truth is, I didn't know how to be? Long term relationships are all I knew. I didn't know how to flirt. How to start talking to guys. I was so nervous about it all, that I actually felt sick.

This became even more apparent, when I went on my first proper night out with friends, a month or so after. I'd brought a new outfit etc, and had spent alot of time getting ready. I have to admit, putting a fresh new look on made me feel amazing, and for the first time in months, I felt myself. I felt human again. While dancing away with the girls, a guy approached me. Introduced himself to me, we will call him L. He started to dance with me, and talk away. I was shaking. My mates had walked away to 'leave me to it' and I hated it. I could almost feel a panic attack coming on. I tried to walk away, and called out for my mates. I just couldn't do this. I made my excuses and ran to the toilets. I looked at my phone, and to make matters worse. Mr X had text. Perfect timing, and in my yet again drunken state, I text back.

"I miss you"

"Why are we doing this!?"

"We can work it out" 

The next morning? Instant regret. I guess this was a turning point for me. I knew I loved him deeply, but did I want him back? Did I fuck.

As months passed, I went out more and more, reconnected with friends, made new friends and worked on myself. I was out one night, and managed to get a guys number. Result. Things fizzled out quickly, but I took the positives. Before long, I was persuaded to join the dreaded Tinder. I've been on a few 'Tinder' dates now, (will write about these another time) and the truth is, it's addictive! 

I've had a couple of 'dates' since the split, and I guess what I'm trying to say, is although the past year has been difficult, it's fair to say, it gets better. I'm now in the position where I'm 100% myself now, and know exactly what I want from a guy. 

The Big Break Up

Early last year, my life came crashing down around me. Everything I knew, had and wanted was gone. I was back at square one! This is the first time I've ever put down on paper what happened, and how I really felt.  So, I'll start from the beginning....

I was 16 years young when I first started dating ex. He was a couple of years older than me, and I wasn't really sure why he wanted to talk to a girl like me if I was honest. But never the less, I lapped up the attention, and lets face it, I was getting no where with boys my own age. We were working together a few times, and suddenly, a problem at work threw us together working on something. Truth be told, I didn't see him as a 'potential' date to begin with. In fact, if you had of said to me that in years time, I'd be writing about my time spent as his girlfriend, I would have laughed. Still, we exchanged numbers and began chatting. 

A week or two passed and we went on our first date. I had never felt butterflies like it. I went out, brought a new outfit, new make-up and excitedly got ready. He arrived at my door, flowers in hand. A true romantic. The date went great, we had an almost instant attraction, and at the end of the night, we kissed. My first proper kiss, and one, I will never forget. 

It wasn't long before we were in a relationship. And I mean, after only 2 weeks of talking. We'd known each other for years, so to us, this didn't seem to quick. I wonder if that's made the connection so much better, doing the whole friends thing first. 

Fast forward through the nearly 5 years we had together. We went on lovely weekends away, dates, dinners.I honestly thought that I'd found the one. 

However, life has a funny way of throwing curves at you. About 2 years into our relationship, i noticed things weren't quite right, but i put them into the back of my mind. Carried on as normal, we went on to get our own place, started planning our future. But...deep down, I wasn't happy. After moving in together, I received some messages from girls telling they'd been sleeping with my boyfriend. And like a fool, I forgave. But that spelled the end. Even if I didn't know it. 

We carried on for another 2 years. But i knew it wasn't working. Once the trust had gone in our relationship, I tried my hardest to carry on as normal. But I just couldn't. My anxiety and depression was becoming more and more apparent, and I was losing myself and who I truly was. I stopped going out, put on weight, and never really saw my family and friends.  

After a few months shy of 5 years, we broke up. The problems had been mounting for a while, I was becoming more and more paranoid that he was cheating on me. I was out and about one day, and I got a text. A bloody text. And like that it was over. He simply put, 'You don't make me happy anymore'. I was in the middle of lunch with a friend, I excused myself from the table and went to the bathroom, and rung him. I cried and I mean sobbed down the phone. How could he end it like this, this isnt real. My friend came and found me and I showed her the text. She simply said 'Of course it's not over, it's you two'. But she took me back home, and I walked into our home. He was there, laying on the sofa. He had been crying too. I couldn't get my words out. I did the only thing I knew, went and laid next to him, and we cuddled and fell asleep. Strange I know, but this was the last time we ever did this, and it was a nice release. 

I woke up, he was still fast asleep. My head was hurting from all the crying, I didn't know what to do, so I took my car keys and went for a drive. I phoned my brother, cried to him, then not long after, my mum phoned. Nothing stays secret for long! I simply said 'It's over, I'm moving back home'. There, I'd said it. And it broke my heart. I then received a text from him. "Where are you?" I ignored. 10 minutes later. "Are you okay?" These continued. I realised, I can't avoid it forever, so I went home. 

The silence was awkward. We cried as we talked. Promised that we would both always try and be friends. That we would discuss in a few weeks, maybe just take a break. But deep down, I knew that this was it. I packed a bag, gave him one last kiss, and drove to my friends house. She straightened me out, and we went to the pub for a few drinks. Bad idea.

A few weeks passed, not a lot had changed. Except my fears and doubts were true. He had been cheating. In fact, he'd already invited a girl back to our home the night I moved out. There was no going back from that. It hurt like hell. But I knew I needed to break away. 

 I moved back home, changed my job, and started again. I took a few months to myself, put myself first for a while and then got myself back into the dating world. Something I'd never really done before! It was a scary prospect. But I guess that leads me to present day, and where I am now.....